I Will Never Get An STD Check
The fact that anyone actually goes out of his or her way to get tested for an STD baffles me. Absolutely baffles me. I just don’t get it. Let me first start by clearing the air, I don’t have an STD. So I don’t actually worry myself with this concern. Still, I’m sure some people worry and some even go in to see whether or not their concerns are warranted. But why would you ever want to know that? It would probably bring down your whole mood. You’d be bummed the entire day. Friends would come over for a night on the town, and you’d shoo them away, still saddened by the news that could have easily gone unheard. You would also probably feel guilty every time you had sex, because God knows I’m not gonna mention the problem to her. That guilt coupled with the guilt of having sex with an almost catatonic drunk would be too much to handle. So say goodbye to having sex ever again. And I wish that were it. But then there’s the constant headache of knowing exactly why it burns when you pee. Right now I attribute it to my gutsiness. “The way I slug rain water to impress the guys is probably what did it,” I always think. When those test results come through, it’s the sad realization that you’re not only dirty and pathetic but also impure. And those sores on my lip? Well I do a bit of drinking, so I probably got into a tussle I can’t recall, and ate a few shots that caused those ugly marks before quickly turning the tables in an epic come from behind victory. That’s what I infer happened and hence it is the story that often gets told. Truthfully, half of the stories I tell are things I just assumed happened during a forgotten night. But with this new information there’s no assuming, because I know what happened, and what really happened does not make for good story telling. Plus I would have to bet those tests cost a fortune, or you would need health insurance to cover them, but in these hard times, with the dwindling dollar, awful housing market, and Wall Street meltdown, who has either of those things. Certainly not I.
