Talcum Fresh - Guest Post: Andrew

August 14, 2008

Guest Post: Andrew

WE NEED MORE HEROES – QUICKFAST!

Anyone who knows me well knows that I fear only four things: bears (grizzly and polar), sharks, salt-water crocodiles, and roaming bands of modern day samurai looking to tussle. Every time that I settle down in a new spot, I EXPLICITLY ASK the landlord if the neighborhood has a history of problems with any of those four categories of death-mongers, and, until recently, I have always received an honest answer of “no.”

So you can only imagine how disappointed I was to open my newspaper Sunday morning and find out that only a few miles from my house a 20 year old man had been assassinated by a 17 year old samurai.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Much of the article discussed what eyewitnesses had seen of the assassination. We all know that eyewitnesses are the single most reliable source of information, so I had absolutely no problem believing everything I read about what went down. After all, aren’t we all at our most honest when being questioned by officers of the law? I know that I am! Don’t believe me? Well, if I’m lying may God curse me with eternal life! (I might have just tricked God).

Anyways, according to eyewitnesses, the assassination was only one part of A THIRTY MINUTE MELEE AMONG BETWEEN TWENTY TO TWENTY FIVE YOUNG MEN, FIGHTING WITH SWORDS AND KNIVES. Thank goodness we had eyewitnesses to confirm this, because had I seen video footage I would have thought somebody was getting Punk’d for sure by that scamp Ashton. We also know that police apprehended the assassin, which I assume means that the samurai turned himself into authorities under orders from his lord and master—no one that deadly can be captured by conventional means.

So basically, I now know there are between 19 and 24 young samurai roaming the local area, just looking for another spot to off one another in an incredible showdown. I know they have spectacular stamina, because at their last showdown they clashed steel for no less than thirty minutes—longer than most professional boxing title bouts. I also know that eyewitnesses fingered some of them as trained knivesmen. This leads me to assume that there also possibly trained pipesmen, trained chainsmen, trained whipsmen, and trained two-by-foursmen within the group as well, as trained kivesmen rarely travel alone (insurance reasons).

As far as I am concerned—based on the information above—the tri-den borough had just turned into the backdrop for Double Dragon. Effective tomorrow, I will be wearing nothing but cut-off tees, ripped denim, and fingerless batting gloves, and I will by tying my hair back with plain color bandanas. I am prepared for the eventual kidnapping of my sister/girlfriend/boss’s daughter by this roving band of assassins, and an willing to fight my away across no less than eight urban landscapes against similarly clad foes until I free the innocent from the terror which has gripped our fair cities. At the end I request only the affection of the hot reporter who has been covering my story (please make her Jackie Guerrio).

I expect it may be a grueling fight. I will have no choice but to fight continuously until my foes have been vanquished. I will sustain my amazing battle by eating only the abnormally large apples and entire hocks of ham I find after punching trashcans, newspaper stands, and abandoned oil barrels. I imagine that I may, in the passing from one landscape to another, occasionally come across foes, who, for no explicable reason, will be at least double my size (but will have at least one easily recognizable flaw which I can exploit in order to defeat them). I will combat knivesmen, whipsmen, chainsmen, two-by-foursmen, and even the occasional chairsmen and used-tiresmen.