THE POWER OF IMAGINATION

Barak Obama has captured the imagination of our nation – and I say give it back Barack. Like M-1 of Dead Prez, I couldn’t care less if the leader of “global imperialism” is black or white – fuck, it might as well be Kato Kalen or Ryan Seacrest for all the good that Barack Obama will bring. We don’t need HOPE, we need another fucking CIVIL WAR, and I’m not listening to any president that doesn’t have a ray gun pointed at the deep south. There, I said it.

Anyways, what I’m getting at is this: America, what the hell happened to your imagination? Are you the same America that I caught under the kitchen table at age 3 talking to your invisible friend Quelton? Are you the same America that swore he heard Santa on the roof when he was in the third grade? Are you the same America that kept writing letters to gramps even though you were a pallbearer at his funeral? C’mon America, what happened to you? Let’s give these imaginations an exercise once and for all!

Let’s start with this: something you need to know about your imagination is that it can be a practical tool in all everyday situations. For instance, did you know that as long as you preface your statements with “imagine” you can say whatever the fuck you want with absolute impunity? It’s true! After all, you’re just using your imagination! If you don’t believe me, you can ask a lawyer – or just imagine that I already have. Either way, no judge will convict you.

Here’s a great example. Your boss comes up to you with some of that “I need you to stay a little later tonite even though its Friday” garbage. You have a hot date with your wiz.  What can you do?

BOSS: ….i mean I’m sorry but your just gonna have to see this project through tonight before you take off.

YOU: Imagine if I fucking kill you right now.

(Boss runs)

See how easy that is? You just imagined yourself out of a tight jam. And on Monday morning when they come at you with this non-sense about threats, you can just explain yourself as a creative individual who was employing some outside of the box thinking to work around a potentially distressing dilemma. Easy, right?

Now, you’re out from work, but your girl called and said she can’t make it because she promised to take her sister to the movies on a Friday night (imagine she’s not fucking another guy…), so for you it’s a night with your buddies at the club getting cocked and watching girls pass by….or is it? Imagination works here too! See that lovely lady in the corner? Let’s work some imagination magic on her.

YOU: Imagine me inside you right now.

Guys, the ladies love this technique. At first she’s gonna act all outraged and disgusted and shit, but it’s all a front. You just gotta walk away and ignore her as soon as she starts getting angry. Trust me, as soon as you get into the drivers seat of your BMW she will be jumping in shotgun. Besides, what’s more romantic than sharing a thought with a complete stranger? Isn’t that what you just did? Just take this fox home and give her the business. And your buddies? Imagine they can get their own rides home, tonight is your night.

As for the next morning, well, if you haven’t already imagined the whore out of your bed by now, the  next words out of your mouth ought to imagine a breakfast from her hands onto the table, quickfast. Then you just imagine that you promised to take your darling kid sister (not the “rapper” Kid Sister—she’s mine) to the movies on a Saturday morning, and you are both out the door onto bigger and better things.

And if she’s still clinging to you after all that nonsense, just  excuse yourself to the bathroom and go out the fire escape. She’ll figure it out eventually.

But remember, I didn’t get your weekend off to a beautiful start. It was all your imagination.