Guest Post: Andrew
Part 2 of our Andrew Week series.
Oh, WORD? WORD.
Dear Friends, I am a wordster, a maniac for diction, a regular dic-head. In fact, most people know me as nothing other than a massive dic-head, and I must assure you the rumors are quite true. So take it from me, part of respecting the power of words is knowing how powerless words become when they get PLAYED OUT. I mean, here we are, spreading English all over the world like some international Anglo-Saxon Country Crock, never realizing how bad we are playing out our very own tongue.
What’s a dic-head to do? We wanna be on the forefront of language, the verbal vanguard, speaking only the primo lingo. But with so few new words being created, how is the true anglophile supposed to stay on the top of his game?
Well, I got together with a few other real dic-heads who were asking the same questions, and we brainstormed until we had fashioned four of the finest words ever crafted in modern times. Then, we submitted them –gratis, no less—to Mr. English himself, Noah Webster.
We did it for a love of the language. And we were, on every case, rejected. Some fat cat, smoking his big cigar, driving around town in his Rolls, approving and disapproving organic linguistic invention rejected all of our submissions, and with some of the dumbest reasons ever.
Below, I submit for your approval, four of the greatest words ever crafted for use in the English—or any—language, along with the reasons Noah rejected them. You be the judge. Live dangerously.
- CHEDDAROUS – (n.) of, or pertaining to cheese. Ex: The delicious snack cracker had an irresistibly cheddarous crunch.
Our Reasoning: Cheese is everywhere! We have so few words to describe this delicious food, and thanks to mid-90’s sitcoms the actual word “cheesy” is played the fuck out.
Noah Sez: The word “cheddarous” seems better suited for a snack cracker commercial than an English Dictionary (as demonstrated very well in your example usage!). Simply creating such a highly specified word, which, to our knowledge, has no actual practical usage, seems unnecessary.
- BACKWASHINGLY – (adv.) offensively loosely sipped, a dis-function of the lips. Ex: Billy sucked on his soda backwashingly.
Our Reasoning: No explanation needed.
Noah Sez: As humans, we often seek the most succinct way to explain circumstances. If we had to explain ever word we spoke, the use of language would be an exercise in frustration. The word “backwashingly” seems, in our eyes, to be incapable of proper usage without a perfunctory explanation of its meaning, thus making it completely useless.
- SALADOCIOUS – (exc.) a word used exclusively by women to describe how delicious their salad is. Ex: Wow! Saladocious! (said by woman in restaurant after tasting her delicious salad).
Our Reasoning: Ok, I admit it, here I had an agenda. I’m tired of taking ladies out to eat, having them order the lobster, and then when the time comes I don’t get to mash no pum pum. Just fucking rude. So, I figured, give them this crazy fashionable word (Prada, ladies, verbal Prada!) to shout out in the middle of the restaurant in front of everyone, and they’ll have to start ordering salads just to say it! And if you order a salad at dinner, ladies, I assure you, you are free to do whatever the fuck you want. Eat it, wear it, stick it in your purse, get up and leave, I don’t care! I’m probably on the phone with your sister anyways!
Noah Sez: The idea of introducing a word which can only be used by one sex is both offensive and shameful. You should be embarrassed.
- WATERFELL – (n.) An extinct aquatic cascade. Past tense of WATERFALL. Ex: It was understandably dry under the waterfell.
Our Reasoning: We all know sandwiches get hammed, lakes get waterskiied, and zebras get lioned, but what happens when a waterfall ….dies?
Noah Sez: Nouns don’t have past tenses. That’s why we use verbs.
Well, Noah may have rejected my words from his little DICKTIONARY, but please folks, do not let this stop you. I offer these words as a gift to mankind! Go forth! Use them backwashingly! And ladies, if you look good and love my words, I’m only a phone call away!
