Guest Post: Andrew
Andrew didn’t want to be thrown into this world, but he was, so he figured the best way to deal with it is to make a plan. Full Disclosure, the names of random people on his list such as Dibble and Stealthy are various “friends” that he has required and I believe seeks to humilate. Warning, this is offensive.
MY PLANS
1) Male basketball groupie
A. go to basketball games
i. don’t pay
B. cheer on home team while they play
i. acquire megaphone
C. have sex with attractive female basketball players until I am quite exhausted
i. avoid disease
ii. enjoy yourself!
iii. beat jim once and for all
2) Professional pirate
A. quit school
i. go out in a blaze of glory
ii. get screen out of window….for good
iii. leave all my worldly goods to either aflac or stealthy
B. find (steal) a ship
i. seaworthy is a must
ii. fashion a flag for mast. must be attractive and durable
C. sail
i. around the world
ii. no India
iii. don’t loose the puppy
iv. have fun
v. postcards to family
3) Raise a small army
A. intimidate local peoples
i. with fire
B. disband
i. with fury
4) Smuggle drugs into Canada
A. fake leg trick
i. do it good
ii. get the little f*****s hooked on crack
iii. that ought to teach those retarded canuks
B. that’s what they get
i. i agree
5) Learn Russian
A. use it
i. speak
6) Endanger a species of animal
A. pollution, pollution, pollution
i. air
ii. water
iii. more air
iv. kill dibble
B. eat the eggs
i. babies can’t grow with the momma’s belly gone
ii. I’d rather they just die
iii. who raised you
7) go back to the basketball team
A. they miss you
i. it’s true, nobody does it like you
ii. except other boys
B. they want you
i. you generally smell good except for when you don’t
ii. well its usually because I’m sick or I just exercised
iii. good point, that’s pretty true
iv. you could always brush your teeth more though
v. point well taken
C. they need you
i. it’s true
ii. girls can die from no sex/ loneliness /food poisoning
D. it’s your civic duty
i. you must do what you can to free them
ii. just try, they won’t mind
iii. lemme get that real quick
E. make your mother proud
i. it’s not just for pissing, put it to good use
ii. your hand is not a girl
iii. sorry mom its ok
F. if they didn’t want you they would probably just transfer
i. its happened before
G. don’t let them argue, its bullshit
i. yes, no, maybe, and stop it you creep all translate to yes
H. set the mood
i. do it on the court.
ii. call timeouts for realistic game play action
iii. be coachable
j.AIDS is a myth
i. nobody really dies they just go to earth II
8) destroy the evil empire
a. punish yankee fans
i.they are gay and ugly
ii. they have vaginas ( no exceptions )
iii. lets get those f*****s hooked on crack/ serve them AIDS
iv. don zimmer(ed. note) is a hero
v. im gonna (ed. note) love those yankees
vi. lets get those (ed. note) crackheads hooked on crack II
vii shaolin donkey punch to the adam’s apple kills mother of five
viii. rub jeter’s face on aflac’s hair (exfoliate)
ix. damn it logan!
x. find dream girl, make babies until testes look like raisins, then recharge
xi. supersoaker filled with termites = yankee stadium explosion
xii. arson is the only answer
xiii. ECSU baseball team gets lunch tray to the face
xiv. khaki hats are gay; wearers shall be drowned
9) buy SNET
a) mail room boy promotions
i. no more paper cuts
ii. dibble as ceo
iii. assassinate dibble, regain control of company, finish dibble’s lunch
b) unjam copier
i. who did this
ii. chewed gum in rotater mechanism
iii.. inkjet 500 purchased but hookups don’t match
iv. Kyle MacDonald brought in as consultant
v. good job
c) discover how to regain life ( using company resources )
i. rejuvenate dibble
ii. dibble clone mystery? WHO’S THE FATHER? (hint: dibble)
iii. train dibble
iv. feed dibble; hired as competitor’s ceo
v. failed dibble assassination attempt; dibble’s everywhere cower
vi. dibble assassinated, control of market gained.
vii. acquire megaphone
d) give all phones boobs
i. it’s the next logical step…think outside the box
10) make us popular
a) nobody is better at being us than us
i. tom cruise is the only exception – too good an actor to be trusted
ii. tom cruise defeats us with our own arguments after one character study
iii. train as ninja
iv. tom cruise coalition signed, both sides agree, tom cruise assassinated
v. too handsome to be buried, enshrined in glass coffin surrounded by small men
vi. invent Viagra
vii. over anxious donkey fist-kick stops cousin’s heart
b) dibble’s revenge
i. not a chance
11) patent electricity
a) proof of intelligence restimulates dream girls interest
i. pass denied at the thirty yard line
ii. put me in coach I’m ready to play
iii. are you sure Donovan?
iv. coach if there is one thing I am sure of, its me and now
v. (coach sighs) get in there Donovan
vi. more sex
vii. (Donovan to McMichael) are you sure McMichael?
viii. surer than I’ve ever been Donovan
ix. surer than here and now?
x. diamond ring for dream girl
xi. here we go coach! Super bowl dreamz
xii. coach resigns
