GUEST POST: ANDREW
No intro needed.
THE INFOSHOP
If you had told me as a kid that I would grow up to love Tim Hortons, I would have been very confused until about a month ago, when I first ate there.
“Whats a Tim Hortons?” I would have said.
Well, America, let me save you the confusion and embarrassment that I felt on my first visit, by explaining the precise nature of the Tim Hortons. First of all, Tim Hortons is not a breakfast resturaunt, but a communist first meal collective, comprised entirely of unwed teenage mothers and what might otherwise appear to be enslaved female senior citizens. It’s easy to tell that they are communists, because absolutely no one working there seems capable of taking charge, and absolutely everyone working there must place their hands on your food before it’s hiked at you from behind the counter - how idealistic! How egalitarian!
When placing your order at a Tim Hortons, I find it easier to point at the thick cardstock pictures of everything on the menu, which hang all over the dining floor at dangerously low heights. Although this is not mandatory TH protocol, I find it far less difficult than trying to shout my order at whatever leather-faced old crone has wandered closest to the cash register.
And while you wait for your food, there is plenty of action. Because Tim Hortons is such a tiny, (and therefore, one can only assume fuel efficient if not completely solar powered) shack, you really have no option but to watch the every movement of which ever of the dozen or so female employees catches your eye. The first time I patronized a Tim Hortons, I busied myself by watching the struggles of what appeared to be a thousand year old hobbit kitted out in a WWI nurse’s uniform as she dragged a ten foot solid steel step ladder across a food splattered floor until her lung collapsed, at which point she was promptly accosted by some young hussy for not having sliced more tomatoes. Today, I just relaxed and counted the naked ring-fingers on all the shameless your harlots slicing bagels. There’s always something to do!
I recommend the Bagel B.E.L.T., which is pretty good. The food there is prepared hot, but, because of the bizarre aforementioned TH ritual of making sure that every member of the staff touches every piece of food to be served, the actual temperature at the point of consumption may have decreased at least ten degrees. All the ingredients are fresh: perfectly shaped yellow egg disc, sinfully red tomatoes, lush green door-matt of lettuce, golden orb of bagel – just one bite and there will be no doubt in your mind that every component of your meal has spent less than 5 years in a chemically enhanced storage facility.
In short, go to the Tim Hortons folks, I implore you. Not only will you gain valuable insight as to the practical applications of outdated political systems in the world’s most abusively capitalist environment (maybe 2nd….go China!), but you will also find out what your best friends Nana does to pay the bills, and exactly what happened to the girl who got caught giving one of the hall monitors a blow job under the bleachers on senior day – all while enjoying great food!
Till next time!
